The Rant
by: Molson

I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader,
And I don't live in an igloo, eat blubber or own a dogsled.

I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Suzy from Canada; Although I am certain they are really, really nice people.

I have a Prime Minister not a President
I speak English and French not American
And I pronounce it about not aboot.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping not policing, diversity not assimilation.

The beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.

A touque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch, it is pronounced Zed not Zee, ZED!

Canada is the second largest land mass,
The FIRST nation of Hockey, and the best part of North America!

My name is Joe, and I AM CANADIAN!

Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-Gerry Brown
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
-Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard Nixon, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
-Parish Magazine

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle, US VP

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle

"Potatoe"
-Dan Quayle

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."
-Spencer Ante

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Dan Quayle

On Y2K:
"How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
-Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle

ONLY IN CANADA ?

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns
in packages of eight.
9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.                                                                             10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

You know you're from Canada when ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
 3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
 6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at
Christmas.
 7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one
meter
above the ground.
 8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in
with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with
only
8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2
pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing
plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't
prowl
on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewellery
and your Sorrels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: winter, Still winter, almost winter and
Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
29. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian
friends because they'll get them too. Plus you send them to your
non-Canadian friends because they're not Canadian and you want to make
them jealous.

Quotes

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't come back then it never was."

"Be what you are and say what you feel because people who matter don't mind and people who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss

"If you were happy all the time, you wouldn't be human. You'd be a game-show host."

"Never argue with an idiot. They'll lower you to their level and then beat you with experience. "

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY......

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular
it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.